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the journey of a lifetime begins with the first courageous step

Coming out is the process of living an open and affirming life. There is not a specific process or plan for coming out. Many people start by telling close friends and family who they know will be supportive. Then, they branch out and tell other people who may or may not be supportive. Whatever your plan, be sure to have a reliable support network to help you navigate your process. For more information about coming out, read the articles below. Please note, this information should be seen as a guide only, not a definitive list of steps which should be taken. Ultimately, each person will know how to best manage coming out.

• First Steps
• Family
• Work
• School

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Coming out can be an isolating and terrifying process to undertake. The best way to manage these feelings is to build a social support community who will affirm your identity, validate your feelings, and actively support you in your coming out and transition. Finding a support group in your local community is always a good first step. Additionally, these groups may be able to help connect you with resources to help in your transition. If you live in more isolated communities far from local support, internet support groups can be a source of strength for many.

Additionally, it is strongly recommended that you seek the support of a qualified therapist. While many transgender folk see therapists as a gatekeeper for trans related care, truly affirming therapists can help transgender individuals navigate the damage and trauma associated with years of oppression and the denial of identity. For many transgender people it takes years of therapy to undo all of the harm created by our transphobic society. Truly affirming therapists will not focus on having you prove you are transgender, rather they will help you identify and fix the trauma you have experienced.

Sadly, mental health care providers (and health care providers) are not always up to speed on the best practices, and many may espouse non-affirming views of transgender folk, so proceed with caution. Learn more on how to find an affirming therapist or medical provider.

MOST IMPORTANTLY make sure you have a crisis plan in case you need it during this very stressful time. See our crisis resources for more information.

Coming out to your loved ones is the hardest part of the process because these folks matter more to us than anyone else. Indeed, many times it has been these people who have forced us to remain in the closet and have caused most of our trauma. If you are fortunate enough to have supportive family and friends, then you may not need to do any of the follow suggestions. However, if you are afraid of how your loved ones will respond, these tips are certainly for you!

Tips for Coming Out to Family

• Make a list of all the people you consider loved ones: Our loved ones are the people who we look to for support (financially and emotionally) and guidance. This could be anyone from close friends to family members to teachers.
• Reorganize your list into the following categories: people who will be okay with your coming out, people who will not be okay with your coming out, and people you aren’t sure about.
• Evaluate the three lists: Are the people on the “will not be okay” list people on whom you rely for housing, medical insurance, transportation, and income? Are the lists evenly distributed–- are there about an equal number of people on all three lists? Are the people on the “okay with it” list the type of people who would support and fight for you if you were kicked out of your house or cut-off financially?
• Proceed strategically: Increase the number of people on the “okay with it” list by seeking support from local support groups (see First Steps). If you are not financially independent, work towards gaining financial independence by taking a second job or saving a month’s income. Once you’ve come out to people in your support group, then begin to come out to people in the “okay with it group” who you can trust to keep it a secret until you are ready for everyone to know.
• Use Your Connections: Often, people on the “okay with it” list will know people on the “not okay with it” or “I’m not sure” list. Ask these people if they are comfortable helping you come out to folks on these two lists. Having an ally (or two) with you often helps to soften the blow or give you courage to talk to difficult people. This is not a sign of weakness, it is an effective and smart strategy.
  
  

When Your Parents are Unsupportive
Sometime parents are supportive, and if yours are on the “okay with it list” this ignore this tip. If they are “not okay with it” or you are unsure where they stand, then you should proceed with caution if they support you financially. You should strongly consider not telling your parents until you have the means to support yourself financially. This means you ought to have at least a month’s income (three month’s is ideal), your own transportation, and the ability to secure housing before coming out to your parents. It is a good idea to have supportive family members help you come out to your parents and to even ask their advice about how to do so.

It’s a Transition for Everyone
Understand that they are transitioning too: Transitioning is a process which includes the transgender individual and their loved ones. It is important to approach your loved ones with compassion and understand that while you’ve had a lifetime to consider your feelings, they only get a couple seconds to take in what you are telling them before they respond. There may be angry and hurtful words, but don’t take them personally. Family counseling is often essential to heal any wounds which appear as the result of coming out. Marriage and Family Therapists (also known as Couple and Family Therapists) are usually affirming and are an excellent resource. Additionally, you can share our Loved One Resources with your family and friends who need answers and help in their transition with you.

Coming out to employers can be equally difficult as gender identity and expression (as well as sexual orientation) is not a protected by any federal employment laws. Some states have extended these protections, however they are the exception not the rule. Since coming out often leads to financial vulnerability, it is important to be sure that your transition will not effect your employment.

Here are some tips to navigating coming out at work:

• Know Your Rights: While you are not protected explicitly by federal law, you may be able to file a complaint of employment discrimination with the EEOC which has determined that gender identity is covered under Title VII (Note. It is unclear if the EEOC will continue to do so during the Trump Administration). Additionally, you may live in a state where you are explicitly protected from employment discrimination, so be sure to know this going into your meeting with HR.
  
• Know Your Company Policies: The majority of Fortune 500 and Fortune 10 companies have policies protecting their LGBTQ+ employees. Check to see if your employer is listed. If you work for a smaller corporation or a private corporation, all you need to do is ask your HR department for a copy of their non-discrimination policy.
• Know Your Allies: Coming out to your employer and supervisor is only half the struggle. The other half is coming out to the people who you work with. Similar to coming out to family and friends, it would be helpful to make a list of who you know will support you, who will not, and who you are unsure about.
• Know Your Resources: Visit Transgender Law Center for advice and assistance in coming out at work.
• Be Strategic: If you are unsure about what will happen when you come out at work, start to look for alternate employment options. Even if you can take a discrimination case to court, you will need to be able to support yourself. Start your job search using the list of companies which do actively protect their LGBTQ+ employees.
• Help Your Employer and Co-workers in Their Transition with You: It may be difficult for many people to make name/pronoun adjustments. Unless you expect misgendering/misnaming is intentional, you should approach these mistakes with compassion and understanding. Doing so will help assist your transition in the workplace. Transgender Law Center has excellent guides to aid your coworkers in making the transition with you, as well as employer resources.

The current climate for LGBTQ+ students isn’t great. However, national organizations and federal and state agencies are working to change this. Coming out at school is difficult especially for elementary, middle, and high school students because of the lack of autonomy that these students have. Additionally, if you parents are not supportive, your transition at school can be difficult, if not impossible. Even school counselors, who should be a safe place for LGBTQ+ students, aren’t always affirming. The follow tips are sorted in terms of K-12 and Post-Secondary educational settings. Given the large amount of state legislation currently underway and changes to Federal policy during the Trump Administration, some information may be rendered out-of-date without warning.

For Students in K-12 Schools

• Know Your Rights: In the past, the Federal Government has made it clear that gender identity is covered under Title IX and that all schools receiving Federal funds may not discriminate against transgender and gender non-conforming students. However, the Trump Administration is less accommodating on this point. Regardless, you have the right to be treated with the same respect and courtesy shown to all students at your school (e.g., correct name/pronouns). You should not be forced to use a bathroom or locker room which is not consistent with your gender identity nor should you be forced to use a gender neutral bathroom.Regardless of whether or not they will respond, if you experience discrimination, you should file a report with the Department of Education. Learn more here.
  
• Know Your District’s Policies: Many schools and school districts are working to make their schools more inclusive. Contact your school’s main office or district’s central office and ask for a copy of their policies on LGBTQ+ students.
• Sit Down With Faculty and Administrators: Supportive parents are very helpful in this process. It is important to sit down as a family and determine what your plan of action is and what you expect the school to do to support your student. Ask your school principal to sit down with you, your parents, and your teacher(s) and counselor. Discuss the process of transition and what you need (and expect) from the school to support this process. If resistant, remind them that your gender identity is covered under Title IX, and you will seek the advice of an attorney should your rights as a student not be upheld. If your parents are not supportive, then you may need to rely on your school counselor to serve as an advocate for you when approaching your teacher(s) and administrators. See information on affirming therapists for more information.
• Know Your Allies: Working with faculty and administration is only half the struggle. It will be important to know which classmates will be your allies, because having allies is a great way to reduce the negative effects of bullying. Similar to coming out to family and friends, it would be helpful to make a list of who you know will support you, who will not, and who you are unsure about.
• Know Your Resources: Visit the National Center for Transgender Equality for more information.
• Help Your School in Their Transition with You: It may be difficult for many people to make name/pronoun adjustments. Unless you expect misgendering/misnaming is intentional, you should approach these mistakes with compassion and understanding. Doing so will help assist your transition at school. HRC has excellent guides to aid your school in support transgender students and a Guide on the Federal Government’s Title IX Guidance.
  
  

For Students in Technical Schools, Community Colleges, Professional Schools, and Universities

• Know Your Rights: In the past, the Federal Government has made it clear that gender identity is covered under Title IX and that all schools receiving Federal funds may not discriminate against transgender and gender non-conforming students. However, the Trump Administration is less accommodating on this point. Regardless, you have the right to be treated with the same respect and courtesy shown to all students at your school (e.g., correct name/pronouns). You should not be forced to use a bathroom or locker room which is not consistent with your gender identity nor should you be forced to use a gender neutral bathroom.Regardless of whether or not they will respond, if you experience discrimination, you should file a report with the Department of Education. Learn more here.
  
• Know Your Institution’s Policies: Many universities and colleges have inclusive policies, and more are working to make their schools more inclusive. Contact your institution’s human resources or student affairs office and ask for a copy of their policies on LGBTQ+ students.
• Housing Matters: Many institutions require their first year students to live on-campus. You should contact residence life to find out what their policies are for transgender students and whether or not they have a LGBTQ+ ally roommate matching service. If your school has an LGBTQ+ coordinator or center, they might be a good resource to check with prior to contacting residence life. If your institution does not have affirming policies, ask if you can be excused from living on campus. Cite Title IX if necessary.
• Know Your Allies: Find your campus’ LGBTQ+ group. They often can provide advice specific to your institution. Also, check with your school’s student life or student affairs office to see if your university has a diversity officer, multicultural center, Women’s Center, or LGBTQ+ Center. Any of these offices usually are LGBTQ+ friendly and can point you toward resources available for you at your institution.
• Look Around Town: Depending on how big the city your school is in, there may be an LGBTQ+ center or group in your town. Find them and find out what programming they offer for youth and young adults. Having that support will be very valuable to you. Find centers in your area.
• Change Your Name: Many campuses now offer students the ability to have their preferred name listed on class rolls and on campus IT resources such as email and blackboard (even without a legal name change). Check with your LGBTQ+ group or campus IT help desk for more information.
• Know Your Resources: Visit the National Center for Transgender Equality for more information.
• Help Your School in Their Transition with You: It may be difficult for many people to make name/pronoun adjustments. Unless you expect misgendering/misnaming is intentional, you should approach these mistakes with compassion and understanding. Doing so will help assist your transition at school. HRC has excellent guides to aid your school in support transgender students and a Guide on the Federal Government’s Title IX Guidance.

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External links are provided to assist users in their transition by connecting them to more specialized resources. Darcy Jeda Corbitt Foundation and MyTransitionPartner do not vet the resources we provide on this website. We cannot guarantee the helpfulness or quality of the external resources we provide. Content on the links provided are reflective of the opinions and experience of the content's author. Linked external pages do not imply endorsement.