MyTransitionPartner v 2.0beta

this is a transition for you

When your loved one comes out as transgender you begin a transition with them. As their loved one, you maybe know this person better than anyone else. They may rely on you emotionally, financially, or both. You also rely on them, and learning this big, important fact about them can be scary, overwhelming, or anger-provoking. This may be because you felt you knew them, and now you are learning that there was a big part of them you didn't know about. This may be because you don't understand what transgender identity is and may even feel like you did something wrong to cause it. And because of all of these conflicting and intense emotions, you may find you are having a hard time supporting and affirming them. The fact remains, that this person is the same person you've always known. This secret has been one of the hardest they've ever had, and the reality is they are just as scared, overwhelmed, and angry as you are. You have the opportunity to be their real-life transition partner, to help them become a better version of the person they've always been. And we are here to help you get to that place.

  • I'm losing them
  • Is it my fault?
  • I need support
  • Why should I accept this?
  • Are they trans?
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If you are a parent, you've known this person their whole life. If they are a member of your family, this person has been an important part of all of your memories. If you are a partner, this is the person you fell in love with and who you hoped to share a life with. Maybe they are your parent, someone you've relied on and trusted your entire life. Now, you are learning this really intimate, important secret. It is absolutely normal to feel like you don't know them anymore, or worse, that the person you love so much is dead and gone.

They have always been transgender, you just didn't know it.

The reality is that these fears are only fears. They are not reality. This person you love has always been transgender. You gave birth to a transgender person. You grew up with a transgender person. You fell in love with a transgender person. Nothing about the core of who they are is changing. They will look different. They may have a different name. They may have different pronouns. What will not change is how much they love you and desperately want you to love them for who they are. What will not change are all the stories and memories you share.

If you don't process this transition in a positive or healthy way, you may very well lose them.

Transgender people with unsupportive, unaffirming loved ones rarely do well psychologically or physically. Most of the time, loved ones don't mean to push their transgender child, parent, sibling, relative, or partner away. In our shock and grief we can say and do really unkind and damaging things. Many people react in negative ways when a loved one comes out to them as transgender. This is largely because of transphobia in our society, inaccurate information about transgender people, or misconceptions about what transgender identity is.

In the proceeding sections, we will respond to some typical reactions to a transgender loved one coming out.
When a child or romantic partner comes out as transgender, often the first response is for their parent or partner to feel like they've done something wrong. Parents feel like they've made a major parenting mistake and "broke" their child. Partners feel inadequate, like they didn't satisfy their partner enough. Other family members might question their lifetime of interactions with their grandchild, niece or nephew, sibling, or cousin.

You did nothing wrong.

Transgender identity is a normal expression of gender identity in human beings. It is atypical, meaning we don't see it as often in the general population. Your loved one is unique in that way. While it feels personal, this is not about you. Your loved one has been this way their entire life, and there is nothing you could have done or could do to change that.

Next steps:
It is normal to experience a wide range of positive and negative emotions when your loved one comes out to you as transgender. And you should give yourself the gift of processing those emotions is a productive and positive way. You should give yourself this gift, because the way you react and respond to your loved one's gender identity disclosure can permanently alter your relationship with them and has the potential to negatively impact their psychological and physical identity.

It's okay to feel afraid, panicked, and overwhelmed.

The good news is that there is help available to you. You should seek professional help from a licensed psychologist, or other mental health care professional, so that you can process the emotions and feelings you are going through. They are normal, but you shouldn’t allow them to control how you respond to and treat your loved one.

Next steps:
As a parent, grandparent, aunt, or uncle it is normal to have hopes and dreams for your child, grandchild, niece, or nephew. As a spouse or partner, you hope to spend your life with them, to be happy, to raise a family, and to grow old together. As a sibling, they are your life-long best friend, and you want them to be happy, healthy, and successful.

Those hopes and dreams are for the whole person, not just for their gender.

As hard is it may be to change the way you view your loved one and to change the hopes and dreams you have for them, you are going to have to let go of what you want for your loved one and embrace them for who they are. In the long run, they will be happier and healthier and have a better chance at a fulfilling and safe life if they embrace who they are. It is devastating to a transgender person when their family rejects them. When you support your loved one, statistics show that they are more likely to have a quality life than if you do not.

Transgender individuals with supportive loved ones:
  •     72% reported life satisfaction
  •     70% reported mental health that was very good or excellent
  •     64% reported high self-esteem
  •     23% reported depression
  •     4% reported attempting suicide
  •     0% reported housing issues

Transgender individuals without supportive loved ones:
  •     75% reported depression
  •     57% reported attempting suicide
  •     55% reported housing issues
  •     33% reported life satisfaction
  •     15% reported mental health that was very good or excellent
  •     13% reported high self-esteem
I Suspect My Loved One is Transgender. You should not ask them if they are transgender. If you think that a person you know is transgender, then you should make it very obvious to that person that you are supportive to them by treating them with respect and dignity. If you do not support them, then you should, at the very least, treat them with respect and use the name and pronouns they prefer.

Next steps:
External links are provided to assist users in their transition by connecting them to more specialized resources. Darcy Jeda Corbitt Foundation and MyTransitionPartner do not vet the resources we provide on this website. We cannot guarantee the helpfulness or quality of the external resources we provide. Content on the links provided are reflective of the opinions and experience of the content's author. Linked external pages do not imply endorsement.